Just so you know...I am watching you

I saw how she reached her arms up for you to pick her up and you ignored her. Do you have any idea what a gift this is? Autistic children tend to not like to be touched our held.

I saw you look at her while I was picking out my produce and she was squealing with delight because I was buying her Nana's.

I heard you shoosh her in the library...excuse me Mrs. Librarian, I thought the library was a place for all to visit.

I felt you staring at us while she was having a tantrum.  My child is autistic, what is your excuse?

 

It's okay to be different, it's good to be different, that we should question ourselves before we pass judgment on someone who looks different, behaves different, talks different, is a different color.

But I don't Blog

Why does the word "BLOG" make me so anxious?  My belly starts churning, my mind goes blank...I freak out!  What if someone stumbles upon my "blog" and judges me because of it?  What if I forget to spellcheck or use incorrect grammar?! Why does this scare me so much? Like anyone really cares to read what I think. I know I am not a writer and I have never pretended otherwise.  I prefer to think of this place that I put my thoughts as a journal..yeah, that's it...I feel better all ready!  I am just journaling my thoughts but instead of using the note section of my Mom Planner I am using the web. Oh no, there goes that feeling again! So for those of you who have encouraged me to blog. I just can't do it! You will have to settle for my journal entries posted here instead :)

It's picture time..let the tears begin

When Ronnie(our oldest) was born I was dedicated to having his picture taken every 3 months without fail to make sure I captured every little change that he made. After his first year I went to one Family portrait a year and one Birthday portrait a year taken with the cheesy little plastic number to represent his age. Then came Hunter and I slacked a little. Every three months was more like every six months but I stuck to yearly family and birthday(don't forget the cheesy age appropriate number!) photos. I stuck with this routine until the boys started Kindergarten and began getting school pictures taken. By the time Ava came around I had completely fallen off the wagon :( We had a portrait of all three kids together taken when Ava was about a week old. There was no way I was getting my post pregnancy with the third baby body in that picture! Ava's next picture was done at six month and boy was she a ham. Her first birthday came and of course we went and captured that moment!
Fast forward 2 years, 3 months and one ASD later and Ava has yet to have another professional photo taken. Those who know me laugh because it's not like I haven't captured every moment in time since then with my camera but it's just not the same.
I have put it off so long because I just know it's going to be a nightmare. Ava NEVER looks at the camera. I know she won't pose or sit still. Our family is a one income family and it's just not in the budget to hire a photographer to come to our home and catch Ava at the perfect moment. Perhaps I will wait a bit...what's another few months,right?

Ava's Story

This is our story of how Ava came to be....
So Hunter(our second son) had recently turned 2 and it was time to start thinking about baby number three. We where on the three year plan as I liked to call it. Being the planner that I am I wanted all of our children to be three years apart. Old enough to be getting out of diapers but still young enough to be close in age with the next sibling. Having two boys I REALLY wanted a sweet little girl that I could dress up and have Mommy-Daughter moments with. Hubby and I had debated about number three for a few months when we decided to go for it! One short month later baby number three was on it's way!
I couldn't wait to find out what the baby was. My day was consumed by wondering if this little baby would make me a Mama of three boys or if we would finally add a little pink to our house. At my 18 week ultra sound my dream came true!!! It's a GIRL!!! The tech actually had to take a break because I couldn't stop crying. I was beyond happy. I was going to have a daughter of my very own.
I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy and on April 29th 2008 Ava Charlotte joined our family!

Ava was an amazing baby. She never cried, she slept great, she grew and thrived! She was slow at reaching her milestones for crawling, sitting up and walking but hey, she is the third child and rather doted on! I really never thought much of it. She babbled like all babies, she loved to be held and snuggled and wasn't afraid of a single person she ever encountered. Our biggest concern in Ava's lifetime was her chronic ear infections which was later treated with tubes. At her 18 month check up Ava's Doctor tried to gently encourage me to look into a birth to three year program in our area. She seemed to be concerned with Ava not meeting her milestones in a timely manner.
The two year check up rolls around and I am dreading it...I already know what the Doctor is going to suggest. I again brushed it of...she is the third child(Boy, did I use this excuse a lot)!

Around 2 1/2 I knew Ava wasn't on the same level with her peers so we decided to seek help with The Child Watch Program. It was an amazing service offered to us! The staff was more than helpful in every way. Ava attended speech therapy at Easter Seals twice a week until her third birthday. I wanted to think that Speech Therapy was all she needed..so I did.
Ava was then transitioned to our local elementary school in April. She was always very excited to go! The teacher was a god send for us!! She picked up on things that only we had and sent us on our way to a diagnosis. Autism had been brought up briefly while Ava attended Easter Seals but nothing ever came of her being tested. Within a few weeks of Ava being in the school system we finally had an idea of what may be going on and the official diagnosis came.
It can't be...not that I am an expert on autism....as a matter of fact I don't think I had ever had the pleasure of meeting someone on the spectrum until Ava. Ava is happy, and smart and she loved to be in the middle of a crowd, how could it be?!?!?! Then I did my homework and it all just made sense!! My heart was broken. I had dreams of her first recital, first dance, prom, wedding and grandchildren. Are these things still a possibility or just a unrealistic dream?
My hubby is the happy go lucky kinda guy that just erks me sometimes BUT without him I would still be wallowing in self pity!! "That baby's life is what we make of it". he would tell me. If we make her out to be a victim that is just what she will be!
How has this all been on Ava you ask? Well, let me just tell you that she is my hero. Who knew it was possible to learn so many life lessons from a three year old. She has had trying times at school but I think she thinks it's just one big party. Thank goodness for that or I would be the Mama sitting in the corner.

So my quest for now is to become accepting of the diagnosis and to work hard at being patient with others who haven't been educated about autism. Right now I am still on the fence about telling people that Ava lives with Autism, not that I am embarrassed or afraid of their reaction but because I don't want Ava to think that autism defines her.